Rethinking Resilience: Beyond the "What Doesn't Kill You" Myth

We’ve all heard the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” It’s stitched into our cultural mindset and used to console, motivate, or explain away hard things. But is it true? Not always. At least, not entirely.

Pain doesn’t automatically forge strength. It can just as easily leave us raw, closed off, or detached. Sometimes it builds grit. Other times, it builds walls. Resilience isn’t a given, it’s a process. And real transformation? That requires more than just strength.

The shift begins when we stop thinking of pain as something to be fixed and start seeing it as something to be felt, understood, and ultimately integrated. That transformation doesn’t come from pretending everything’s fine, or rushing to assign meaning. It comes from telling the truth, shifting our perspective, and slowly reclaiming agency over what comes next. This is the deeper work: Turning sorrow into self-awareness. Turning disconnection into depth. Turning struggle into a story worth telling.

So yes, what doesn’t kill us can make us stronger. But mostly, it makes us different. After transformational pain, we’re not the same as we were before. Unfortunately, people often make the mistake of becoming the pain they feel. Transformational growth starts when we see pain as something not integral to our identity, but something that we’re experiencing. That difference might seem small, but it’s critical:

“I am broken” becomes “I am navigating something painful.” “I am not enough” becomes “I am struggling to feel worthy right now.” By reframing the pain, we regain the power to respond to it.

This is the space I work in. Not to glorify pain, but to explore what it can unlock when we meet it with honesty and compassion, and when we give ourselves permission to feel. With the right tools, we can move through pain, integrate it, and discover meaning in its wake.

If you’re someone who’s been through it and came out the other side different, but unsure what that difference means, this conversation is for you. Let’s stop bracing. Let’s start becoming.

Curious about how this perspective could support your team or audience? The Alchemy of Pain is available as a keynote or interactive session exploring the transformative potential of hardship with real tools, not platitudes. Learn more.